Was willing to give everything. Tried with hope that the other party would do the same. It didn't happen. But nevermind, not everyone gets to be with their crush right?

Then there were promises of things being different in time to come. So we upped our status. 

And then more promises came, saying that things will be different and I will be loved the way I needed to be loved. 

Then as time passed, certain things that the other said would never happen, happened. The first time, it was dismissed as a little slip up. The second time, it again dismissed as perhaps the person was having a bad day. Then as it became more frequent, questions popped up. 

Talk to the other, then realized, talking right after does not work as things will get blown out of proportion. Talk later and things would have been forgotten. 

Words. They can make or break. It's so difficult for the person to use loving words or actions as it's difficult to express such. However, negativity - insulting and humiliating words/actions - were common. 

Then I stopped. When I started questioning my worth to that person. Then I end up questioning my worth in everything. 

It led to many nights in tears, alone. Hugs and kisses didn't come freely. One had to ask. Even a simple word, "Sorry", was hard to come by. 

Then intimacy stopped. Why? Because "it doesn't make me less a man to ask"

I had to ask. It cannot come freely. 

Work made me tired. All that was needed was a nice lovely hug to make it all go away. 

Nope. Questions came. Insults were thrown. 

After a short while, the tiredness was not only physical, but mental. 

How long can one go through the pain while smiling to everyone else, so nobody will know or suspect? 

I broke. And what happened after? Got shattered. And what happened after the shattering? More insults and humiliation. 

Yup. I did so much wrong. But remember, the other party had a huge part to play too. 

I didn't get what I needed. I didn't get what I wanted. I proceeded with things by believing in promises that never happened. 

Yes. I lied. Yes. I broke promises. That was after so long of quietly giving excuses for the other person. 

What happened in the end?

I got too frightened to say "no".

I felt isolated from everyone including family. 

I did not know my self worth.

I felt as if everything was my fault. 

My feelings, opinions, thoughts and decisions were invalidated.

I did not recognize the person in the mirror anymore. 

I did not feel like a priority. I did not feel like an option. I felt like a liability. 

And with the recent events unfolding, I realized, most only know one side of the story and it's enough. 

I know what I did wrong. And so does the people on my side who knows what's happening. Their stand? 

"As much as it's your fault, both parties did wrong". 

I said nope. According to the other, I did not know what wrong I did and I cannot accept consequences. 

Yes, my actions has consequences which I had to accept, regardless of how those consequences transgressed boundaries. But not for the other party. 

It is okay. I know where I stand. I do not need to feel unwanted, unneeded or like a liability anymore. 

I know my self worth. And over these few weeks, belief crept back in. 

Those lyrics kept playing the in head. Then I remembered what I enjoyed to do. The feeling of being similar to Jack Frost reappeared. 

And many things fell in place again. Alhamdulillah. Allah planted so many things to remind me of my capabilities, my worth, my needs and most importantly, my duties. 

It doesn't matter what will happen in the future anymore. What matters most is, I am happy. 

People will talk, assume, judge and even condemn. I cannot control what they do or say, but I can just be happy and do what I love to do. 

I am thankful. All the events that happened taught me and made me implement Tawakkal. It's still difficult, I am nowhere near how I should be doing it, but that slow progress will not stop. 

Reaping part of the benefits is already giving me a familiar feel I had 4 years ago. Alhamdulillah. 

I will learn to appreciate things more