Today I found out, in a painful and humiliating way, that there is no such thing as starting afresh. 

So silly of me to have cast aside all fears to try, only to have certain words shoved at my face. 

Yes. I cast aside every single fear that was triggered before, set my head into moving forward and told myself, whatever comes next, things can only get better. 

Started to talk. Though I can get frustrated and end up raising my voice. So I tone down once informed that my voice is raised. 

Carefully chose my words to not provoke.  And asked when in doubt. When I have negative thoughts, I either sing or hum a song or read or listen to verses of the Holy Qur'an. 

But every single time something like this happens, I question. "Why do I cast all aside, to start afresh, as agreed/promised, only to have harsh words hurled towards me?" 

I am told about choices and consequence. But why does it seem that I mostly get the brunt of everything? Does that happen everytime you try harder? 

Spoke to someone and my priorities were alright. Only that I should have informed of my aches. My bad for assuming. 

You know what's the difference this time?  First was only the immediate. Now it's extended. Plus sarcasm on social media. 

Spears aren't good enough. Humiliation is the best. 

Dear Allah swt, I know I have done much wrong. I am not perfect. Just as the incident 4 weeks ago showed, you stopped me and gave me a chance. 

Whatever that came next I accepted as a consequence of my actions. I cast aside the fears and gave it a go. 

I actually started praying again. I seeked for forgiveness and guidance. 

But why this? It wasn't a step up. It was multiple levels up. Hit with a bad bout of stomach flu, I couldn't resist my hyperactivity and decided to do something to give as a present. With my hard work and preserverance (stomach flu while doing smth really makes one want to give up every 5 minutes). 

I got humiliated instead. Along with multiple harsh words. Are you trying to see if I can forgive like the previous incident? 

I do not know. This time it's worse. The last time around, there was no apology but I forgave. Could not forget as it was that traumatizing. But I accepted it as a consequence. 

This time? Am I silly for doing what I did when the roles were reversed? But that's what is asked of me! Then why this? 

Maybe I should try harder to cater to my wants and needs first. Well, second after family. 

Ya Allah swt, please grant me the patience and wisdom to go through this. I believe in your plans for me, as you have showed how beautiful they are over the years. 

Give me strength to face this and give me the courage to stand up and smile like how our Prophet Muhammad pbuh did against his transgressors.