Saturday, April 22, 2006.
im confused.. irritatingly confused.
it was thinking the past few days.. about my future.. as most of u probably know.. i had wished very much to enter the police force.. serve a ew years there..or maybe even serve my life there as a police officer.. well..it was the safest thing to do for me at least.. but quietly in my heart..somewhere deep down.. i dreamed of being an architect..in fact..im still wishing i would eventually turn out to be an architect..
where shall i start.. well..when i was a kid.. i've always dreamed to be an architect.. why? i've always dreamt to be someone important.. well.. not politically.. but in another sense.. i dreamt of being an architect.. buildings are important.. the can define the purpose of a building..and also..define the people.. in fact.. a few rather popular figures in Singapore are architects.. the Late President Mr Ong Ten Cheong (Ong & Ong Architects).. and even that suria presenter.. Sharom is i? something liddat (i dont watch suria.. just happen to noe).. well.. the pth to be an architect isnt easy.. and it is sure not an easy task becoming an architect.. but..well.. i suppose thats me.. taking the longest and difficult routes in life gives me personal satisfaction..
but then again.. the past cropped up.. my first stint in poly to be exact.. it was troubled.. difficul..and most importantly..i screwed up.. big time.. thankfully though.. i was given another shot at it.. im just afraid that i may not have such a luxury i i were to embark on the journey for a degree.. in fact.. if i were to do so..i'd be between 28-30 years old.. thats rather old..considering the fact that most people are either married or having a stable job supporting their parents..
now here is where the dilemma sets in. i am the eldest child in the family..eldest son in fact.. and being a malay muslim.. i have a huge responsibility.. that is to take over the family as head.. sounds dumb..but well.. my father has a somewhat traditional mindset..so.. if i were totell him that i wish to study instead of work..it may not register to him that well..as for my mum.. i'm sure she'd be torn apart between wanting to see me be the first in the whole damn family to get a degree..and serving my family as the eldest son..
i' itching to get a degree.. a masters to be exact.. it may sound alittle far fetched.. but although certain times i may seem rather undecided and confused.. i do reach the finish line.. i've always done so.. the thing is now.. do i get a degree later on in life when its aomost useless due to my age? or do i do it now when i'm young and have the drive to study? like the saying goes.. you cannot teach an old dog new tricks.. thats what i'm afraid. what if i were to decide to not go for the degree.. and work.. and when i can go stuy at last.. i may either be of old age..or i have other responsibilities?
i've talked to a few people.. and all have been pointing towards the studying.. i can understand why.. but right now.. im worried.. what if i dont get the support i'd need from my parents? just like my first two years in poly.. it was painfully long and tiring.. and the not-so-'entertaining' environment didnt help either.. what am i to do now?
if i were to go for a degree..it'll be at NUS for sure..that is IF i can enter.. why local? cos it'll be chaper..way cheaper..cos for one.. my ic states im a malay..therefore.. i qualify for the mendaki subsidy... i would qualify for a full subsidy! free degree.. with only food, transportation and materials to pay for.. not that cheap..but stil cheaper than overseas..
haiz.. i dunno...
just got a letter anyway.. i am not gng to be in police.. i'll officially be an SAF personnel. ben posted to Army.. not the scenario i had imagined..but yes.. options kinda limited due to my race.. so..quite sad.. what am i to do!!! perhaps God is showing me a sign? i had silently said that if i were to get the army posting instead of the police.. i'd go and get my degree.. i didnt thought it'll actually happen.. this is really shit.. looks like i'll be spending a few days thinking about my next step in life..
~~parfois vie utile rempli de merde~~
