Sunday, February 19, 2006.
what happens if being yourself is not enough? what happens if.. your mind is bothered by too many things.. and you forgot to do certain things to make your other half happy?
being accused of not doing certain things..not being able to see certain things.. I dont wish to answer... not because im speechless.. but because i dont wish to be accused of being vengeful.. yes..it
was part of me sometime back.. but that night.. i promised to be a better person just as long i can be with you.. but.. how do i do it if one keeps on harping over what i was before.. gunning me down when i just had the chance to pick myself up?
School is over in a certain sense.. which leaves me with more time to ease my thoughts.. but before ic an barely do anything.. something just struck me from behind.. and it came from the most unlikely of people..
i less than 6 months.. i have left many things that once plauged my life.. things that were deemed too much for me.. things which many pople don't see..but i did.. been seeing them almost everyday for the past 8 years.. things that i;ve been accustomed to.. things that i felt comfortable with.. things that made me who i am.. it may be bad to a certain extent..but i;ve never once regretted what i've done before.. even with architecture.. i;ve long stated that it was a wrong decision i made.. but i never once regretted it.. it taught me how to stick through things..no matter how bad they are.. cos there is always something to learn out of it..and i admit..i've learnt my fair share of things..not jus tabout art.. but also about life..
here i am at another crossroad in life.. it is a time when clouds of uncertainty appear in the horizons.. a very good time to have pdople you treasure most to be around you..and perhaps give alittle direction..
i've asked for directions..but u do not know how to give them.. i tried doing things myself..and it backfired badly.. but instead of offering a helping hand.. i'm being thrown into the depths of uncertainty.. doubting myself - something which i dare not do.. something which caused much pain to me.. something i thought i need not have to face for a while..
i am tempremental by nature.. i am a male.. so scientifically.. my testosterone levels are still pretty high.. fuelling my rage and temper.. but how may a time have i refrained from doing anything stupid? yes there were times when i vented my anger or displeasure out.. but is ittoo difficult to see the good things i've done? or are they too little and unsignificant?
why must the negative points of me always be in the spotlight.. what about the positive points of me? a person do not take 4 months to change.. it takes way longer than that.. but i feel as if im expected to rush things through.. and experience states that rushing things through..will only lead to my downfall.. yes..
MY downfall.. depression sets in.. i'll start doubting myself.. then.. the days which ihope will not ever come into my life again will resurface..
i know of your contributions.. i know they can outweigh what i've done.. but if we really do weigh them..isn;t that being calculative? isn't that being petty? i know of the things you've done.. and reveal the depths of my love for you i want to do.. but i know not how.. yes i've had one too many experiences.. but remember.. it wasn't too far back when i set out on a road to discover myself again.. and i am still on the road.. i've forgotten the meaining of fun.. the meaning of having to sit down.. and appreciate what i have.. and most importantly.. i've forgotten who i am.. many times have i tod you.. but somehow..it seems to slip out your mind.. and you expect me.. to do everything myself.. yes.. i do have to do htings on my own.. but i do need guidance sometimes..
people thend to hate the bad times of their lives..an choose to forget them.. well.. i once thought of forgetting the past.. but i realised.. the bad things that happened not too long ago.. only made me realise.. that im human afterall.. i have a limit..
i used to not know of a limit.. i pushed myself hard.. and without realising it.. i affected people around me greatly.. and usually..badly.. so i learned that one should always know where to draw the line.. i used to have a motto in life - there is no limit to what one can do - and i realise iwas dead wrong afterall.. i broke down after things fell apart.. and here i am.. picking up the pieces..slowly..
these few days.. i;ve wondered if i'm good enough to be around people.. doubting my capabilities as a friend.. all because.. you've stated how little i've done..and how bad you pictured me to be.. it hurts deeply.. painfully.. and somehow or rather..the tears dont seem to want to stop.. do you know that? do you see the grief in my actions? do you hear it through my voice? no.. you have never did.. but did i show my displeasure to you about it.. i don't thin kso.. but then..the question pops out.. why stick with you?
its a rather simple reason.. some would say its bullshit..others may ssay i'm trying to stick by something which isnt there.. but i have my own reasons for doing this..reasons which cannot be explained in words.. reasons that i can only feel.. i love you.. and just that 3 words..are enough for me to know..that regardless of the trials and tribulations you, me or we have to go through..i'll always love you.. but somehow or rather..that doesn't seem enough for you.. and here i m..being shot at..for expecting too much.. i expect for only one.. that one thing..is enough for me.. to smile each day when i wake up..and fall alseep at night..without having to shed a single tear of sadness.. for you.. to believe in me..
many have given up on me.. due to my recent downfalls.. and at times.. even i give up on myself too.. but sometimes..one needs reassurance from another.. a simple one.. could erase all doubts i have.. and make me go through the most difficult times.. with courage.. with strength.. and with a smile.. like i always used to..
time shall be my only friend for now.. a friend im unsure of.. because sometimes..time can be an enemy.. but well.. better have one than have none eh?
~~The road to success... is always under construction~~
