Tuesday, November 15, 2005.
Im disappointed. With someone (Q) and myself.
I thought that Q understood me.. well.. she did to a certain extent.. i enjoyed her company.. and the conversations.. and yes.. everytime i was down.. i would call Q.. and i would feel much better..
Q has every right to be angry.. i knew she liked me.. and i continued talking about the girls in my life.. i thought it would be ok.. but i was wrong. i couldn't like her back.. cos of wad had happened.. i know it is wrong to judge her like that.. cos the last time..it wasn't anything serious..but i dunno.. i just couldn't bring myself to it.. Q is a really nice person.. She's fun..she's a good listener..and she never fails to make u smile whenever u need one.. i'd love to have her as a friend..but i guess.. i cant..
When i was down and depressed..when d wouldn't want to talk to me.. Q was there.. she would comfort me, joke with me.. till the wee hours of the night.. i thought i could tell her everything..and anything.. and i thought..she would be the second person after D that i could confide to..
this story keeps repeating over n over again.. people..listen to other people.. and ta dah.. a friendship turns sour.. well for this case.. i think..2 friendships are gone.. Q and a special trombonist i knew since my sec sch days..i hope not..
why m i disappointed with myself? cos i allowed things to happen. i used my head oo much.. tothe point..i forgot wad my heart said.. so.. all these events that lead to today.. this current state.. is none other than my fault.. Q is not around anymore.. D is pissed off cos i havent had time for her.. my schwork is piling even though im setting aside 90% of my time for it.. what m i supposed to do? divide my time accordingly? how to?
if i gave everthing an equal amount of tim.. i will enver finish my schoolwork on time.. never.. this is DC n BP submission.. these two submission on the same day.. 25th november.. last year.. these two were on seperate submission dates.. on the other hand.. D would be pissed off cos i m not spending time with her enough.. or i m too tired to talk to her.. then friends..like Q will think im not contacting them anymore.. then how about time for myself? i cant give my hundred percent to everyone.. cos at the end of the day..ill be left with 0 for myself.. and ill end up being depressed and gone like wad happened 3 years ago..
i made a choice..that no matter what happens.. i MUST put school in front of everything. cos that damn paper decides whether i'll be earning above 1.8k or not. cos tat damn paper will decide if i can go to the university or not. cos that damn paper will decide if im a good son or not. what am i to do?
i hurt u.. im sorry.. Honestly, im sorry.. it may mean little or nothing to you.. but its the only thing i can do right now.. i have never and will never take advantage of anyone in any way or another.. cos it has happened to me before..and i wouldnt want anyone to go through the pain i had to go through.. you may choose to believe me or not..that is up to you..as you have the right to decide.. but still.. i'm sorry.. cos i had sent the wrong message out.
i wish u all the best in life.
Ridz
