Wednesday, August 10, 2005.
its scary.. its painful..but it has to be done..
Dear D,
I'm sorry i have to resort to this.. i dont want to..but i must.. cos its hurting u.. it'll be two years on September 12.. and things has remained stagnant..or maybe have been worse ever since then..
I cannot be your friend.. thats cos i still have feelings for you..and with each passing day..the feeling grows stronger.. no matter what u do.. You see..the problem is not you..its me.. i need to rectify the problem.. for two years iw as lost.. not knowing what i want.. not knowing what i need.. and at the same time.. i made life very difficult for you..that hurts even more.. i did many things to hurt u.. u did hurt me at times..but usually its cos of me.. u've been nothing short of a miracle to me.. u taught me how to love and be loved..
right now.. i'm lost.. i need to emabrk on a journey to find myself all over again.. its going to be a long and painful journey to begin.. but its for my ow ngood..and for the good of the peopl hu care about me.. the doors in my life were shut and locked.. i didnt allow anyone or anything to come into my life.. i loss my confidence.. something which i treasured.. i lost weight.. i lost interest in everything.. all iwanted was you.. i've become obsessed about u without even knowing it.. it affected every aspect of my life.. i need to do this.. i can only live life once..and i wanna make my mark..
i thought i could be your friend.. but i was wrong.. very wrong.. simply cos of my feelings towards you.. i cant stop loving u that easily..so i have to resort to something this extreme.. my life shattered.. and i m going to fix it back.. myself.. i depended on you too much.. till i became totally dependent.. this cannot continue.. im turning into someone i detest.. i have to change.. i accet the fact that i will not be the person i used to be..so im gng to change to someone else..someone much better than what i m or wad i was.. everyone has always believed that i'll make it big in life someday.. the thing is.. i stopped believing in myself.. cos i couldnt get u back.. and i considered myself a failure.. then..everything started to crumble.. i lost my confidence.. which led to me not doing well in school..not making friends..not wanting to go out..and quite recently..i even lost my appetite to eat..
Some people think of u as a bitch.. it doesnt matter what they think.. i know u;ve been great to me.. u've been wonderful.. my cute angel.. its just me.. Thank you..for being the amazing friend..and at one moment in time.. a great girlfriend.. i'll always remember the many things you've done for me.. and for that i urge u..to call me if u need help.. any kind of help..ill help u.. but thats where it all ends.. when my job is done..ill go back to my life.. i cannot stick around and risk shattering my life again.. its been 2 very lon and painful years for me.. i've forgotten how many other happy and fun things felt like..
i need alot of time n effort to find myself again.. and im gng to start embarking on my journey now.. its time for me to do so.. im turning 21 in 3 weeks.. im getting older... soon.. ill have more responsibilities.. as the eldest son..as a brother..and as a human being..
i wish u all the best in life..may God bless you by giving u the best in life.. Smile always..
Yours,
Ridzuan
10th August 2005
