Friday, July 08, 2005.
"Don't worry boy, i believe you".. those words still ring loudly and clearly in my head.. some idiot acused me of something i didnt do.. nobody believed me.. and out of nowhere..she appeared..like my guardian angel.. and said those beautiful words to me..
8mths into my life.. my parents 'appointed' a neighbour as my nanny.. her name, Ruhaiyah Ahmad.. she was a plump lady with a beautiful smile..skin as fair as snow.. and voice so soothing..u can sleep sounding by just hearing her speak.. from what i heard..i called her aunty at first.. but somewhere along the way.. it changed to Mak..which means
mother in malay.. hence..ever since that day.. i got myself a god-mother..
when i was much younger..i was very close to her..inseperable in fact.. everywhere she goes..i have to go too..that includes the toilet.. ill either follow her along..or wait outside the toilet door crying for her.. she aways held my hand tightly wherever she went.. and bought me everything i asked for.. she pampered me with love.. as i grew older.. i had plenty of misunderstandings with my real parents.. and truly.. like a Guardian Angel.. she came to cool things down.. and protect me..
she was there for my first concert in the band.. she made an effort to come early to make sure im looking all ready for it.. it made me feel so proud to be playing up there.. Sadly, she wont be there for my last concert which is on this coming August 4th.
when i was 4, i swallowed a 5 cent coin.. she cried and cried until i could stand up and start my 'pampered-boy-tantrums'.. few years back.. i had appendicitis.. a super small operation..but she cried as if my life was in the line.. she hugged me so tight before she left for Mecca a few years back..as if she didnt want to let go.. thats how much we loved each other..
She taught me one of my greatest lessons in life.. to love.. i'm a mix of mainly javanese n indian..she's a pure boyanese.. we're of different bloodlines.. but yet.. she loved me as if i was her own flesh and blood.. she treated me like her real son.. hence.. the lesson.. to love..regardless of who theperson is..cos love is beautiful..
quit erecently.. about a year and five months back..she was found to be suffering freom cervical cancer.. stage 1.. so.. it wwasn't that bad.. we're all thanking God for not making things worse.. she went for chemotheraphy & radiotheraphy.. cos she was afraid of going for an operation.. a few mths later..she was fine.. walking around..clebrating hari raya.. laughing..joking..and more importantly..smiling.. bt things took a rather horrible twist.. around january.. cancer cells were found.. in her lungs.. doctors said its an early stage as there were only a few small dots 'here and there'.. she continued with radiotheraphy and chemotheraphy.. but this time..things didnt get any better.. we (my god family n my family) didn't need the doctor to tell us.. we could see it..from her eyes.. everyday..things got worse.. slowly..and painfully.. then..doctors broke the news we prayed we didnt want to hear.. oaround march..she was given a maximum of 1 yr to live..and that is IF a stronger dosage of chemotheraphy worked..but it didnt.. she had only a maximum of 3 mths to live..
everyday whe ni went over.. i saw her in pain..only times i can rememebr seeing her laugh or smile..was when my nephew came.. when Debrah came..and when i lost my dentures (she laughed till she had bronchitis..felt damn bad).. other than that..she was always moaning.. the only thing we ould do was massage her.. we took turns.. her mood got worse.. and irritating/frustrating at times... but we still loved her anyway.. giving in to her somtimes outrageous demands.. simply cos.. she has done the same thing for us when we were very much younger.. she kept going inand out of hospital.. usually due to the unbearable pain.. she was given morphine to help ease her pain.. it helped...but only for a while..
she started to have breathing difficulties about a month ago.. at first it was bronchitis..cos she kept spitting phglem out.. then.. it bcame much worse.. she breathed hard..cos she couldn't get enough air.. morphine was used sometimes..to relax her muscles..
yesterday morning.. she got admitted cos she had difficulties in breathing..and she felt immense pain.. my godsis called..and i thought i'll come down after school.. i was in school..and i didnt hear the phone ring.. 7 times.. 7 missed calls.. 2 by my god father.. 1 by my godbro.. 4 by my godsis.. when isaw the numbers.. there was a feeeling of fear running thru my ody.. ididnt noe why..i stood still for a while..my sis called..and she was crying.. telling me that the doctor has asked for all of her family members to be there that night.. i rushed down by cab.. whe n ireached there.. the sight tore my heart into a gazillion pieces.. it was much worse then going through a break-up.. her eyes were fixed to the ceiling.. her mouth was open..and she breathed really hard.. doctors said.. if she were to continue breathing the way she did..she wouldn't be able to last the night.. i wanted t ocry..but i couldn't..cos i had to be there for my family.. who were visibly shaken by the news.. had to console my god sis..who is pregnant..and due next week..
my sis wanted my godma to see my nephew..and my godma too..had the intention to see her 2nd grandson.. we even chose a name.. Rayn Anaqi.. Rayn cos my godmother liked it.. Anaqi cos my godfather wanted his other name to start with an 'A'.. heh..
my godma continued to breathe hard.. all my uncles n aunties came one by one..crying together...they all left at around 11pm..as they were really tired.. we stayed (siblings).. wetting my godma's lips and putting a few drops of water at her tongue every few minutes.. we just waited..and talked to her.. she could hear us..but couldn't rely cos she was too weak..it hurt badly.. cos during the whole ordeal..she was crying.. tears kept flowing.. she was in pain.. cos she knew..something was calling her.. she wouldn't be able to see her other son get married..she wouldnt be able to see her 2nd grandson.. she wouldnt be able to take care of us anymore.. she knew..we knew..
at 3am.. i wanted to go home to take a rest.. a shower.. and change.. drove to the kpitam to get a cup of tea with my godbrother.. rested for a while.. i reached home.. my godbrother drove to his in-law's place to get his wife.. before i could rest my back on the sofa..my brother called.. "Boy, turun bawah sekarang. Bangunkan Bapak. Mak dah pergi" it simply trasnlates as
"Boy, go downstairs now. Wake Father up. Mak has passed on" i didn't noe wad to do.. i was stunned.. my brother shouted at me again.. i woke up from the 'stunned mood'..and did everything he told me to do.. i reached the ward..and saw my sisters crying.. my godsis hugged me and kept saying "Mak wont see my son.. Mak is gone.. it cant be"
i walked to the ward.. i saw her face.. it was pale.. her mouth was opened.. and it was cold.. i held her hand.. and started crying..
as i waited for her to be transported to the mortuary.. i stared at her from the other bed in front of hers.. i couldnt belieeve my eyes..my ears..my senses.. how could this be? I LOVE HER! NO!
my uncles n brothers wrapped her body up in white cloth.. i didnt want to take part in it.cos i didnt blive it was her.. it only until my eldest godbro and my uncle pulled me to a corner.. and explained to me that its God's will..an that she's really gone.. that i somehow gave in.. the drive back home was a long one.. i wished i hadn't gone thru it.. i went to the police centre to get her death certified.. and went home.. bathed and ran errands..to prepare for her funeral..
they bathed her body.. and then we family members (her children & husband & brothers) had to wrap her body up.. i kissed her cheek..forehead..and chin..and whispered.."you may not be here Mak.. but u r always in my heart..always..forevevr.. i love you.. always..ill pray for u.. ill do well for u.. so that u can be proud of me when ur in heaven.."
i helped to carry her to the undertaker van.. went to the mosque to pray..then ent to the cemetery.. i wanted so badly to carry her body into the grave..but my brothers had already got into position..so i took the next important position.. pouring water over her grave while a prayer is being read.. i didnt cry.. i dunno why.. while on the way to the cemtery..i didnt cry either.. i didnt noe why.. ten..as i got into the bus.. tears rolled down.. everythingstarted to rolls down..as the bus moved futher away from her.. i cried more... it hurt so much.. but i could do nothing but pray.. and then i rememebred what the lady who vbathed my godma's body said.. "Her skin is clean and bright..very special...very beautiful" i guess.. she's really special..not only to me..but to everyone..including God.. she would have been 50 on august the 2nd.. but well... she isnt..
Mak.. i love you.. because you've been my angel..inspired me to be a better person.. you thought me how important a smile was.. you thought me that love has no boundaries.. and most importantly.. you thought me..to be proud of myself.. i love you mak.. ill prya for you.. everyday.. u'll be right here in my heart..forever.. you're not in pain anymore.. you're in God's hands.. he'll take care of you.. i love you.. Mak..
My Godmother & Guardian Angel..
Hajjah Ruhaiyah Binte Ahmad
2nd August 1955 - 7th July 2005
~~From him you came from.. to him you shall return to~~
~~Mak, I Love You~~
i wish to continue typing about her..but my keyboard is already wet..so is my face.. didn't noe i could cry this much.. guess..this is how much i love her..
